I read her posts about choosing hope when we'd just found out I was pregnant and was, frankly, scared to death of a miscarriage. For the first trimester, I was too afraid to think about colors for the baby's room, or talk about names (which we ended up picking before trimester number 2), etc. I had to remind myself that God wants to give me good gifts.
This isn't the first time I've struggled with the concept. Between the time I graduated from college and met Chris, I frequently wondered if I would ever get married, or if God would keep me single to increase my faith in Him. But then, I met Chris and things moved (quickly!) to marriage.
Once we were married, I was sure we'd have problems getting pregnant. Lo and behold, we got a positive pregnancy test less than a year after our wedding. But then I was sure we'd have trouble keeping the baby (to build our faith, right?). Granted, this pregnancy is still in progress, but each and every midwife appointment has brought a good report and strong, beating heart. (Thank you, Jesus!) It's been a huge lesson to place my trust in God and not in the kicks that I feel.
That's not to say that the rest of the pregnancy will progress smoothly or trouble free--although we certainly pray that it will--but God wants to give us good gifts.
I'm also reminded of this quote by C.S. Lewis:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
Whatever happens, it's worth it to give my heart to this baby inside me despite all the heartbreaks of motherhood. I have been called to mother this precious little one to the best of my ability, short time or long. And you know what? There's nothing else I'd rather do.